News bites

The Iraq Study Group issues its report. Bush says he'll act on it in "a timely fashion". In other words, he'll get to ignoring it right away.

Jamba Juice issues contamination warning. Cindy She-hag's fast in jeopardy!

Congress will be working (their version of) overtime next session: a whole FIVE DAYS a week! You know, like most Americans are accustomed to working? The horror!

If you fart on an airplane, just take your humiliation like a man and don't try to light a match to cover it up. Homeland Security is kinda funny about stuff like that on airplanes, especially so in the last five years. Now this schmuck has to explain that she can't fly American Airlines because of his odor. Another shocking aspect of this story: the perp was a female, thus obliterating the myth that women do not fart!

The Breck Girl (aka John Edwards) needs campaign cash for '08. I guess all that tobacco settlement money he made as an ambulance chaser is gone?

Teenager who beat a homeless man to death for sh#ts and giggles wants the judge to throw out his 22-year prison sentence because...are you sitting down?...prison is too hard! Not nearly as tough as getting bludgeoned to death, I'm assuming. I agree with the kid, though: his sentence of 22 years should be tossed...and replaced with life. Squeal like a pig, boy...SOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!

Mary Cheney is pregnant. Hey, don't look at me...I didn't do it!