Sunday, July 10, 2005

007 hamstrung by political correctness

Hat tip to my bud V the K for bringing this bit of hilarity to my attention:
M: Good morning, 007.
BOND: Good morning, ma'am.

M: I'm quite sure I don't need to brief you on the day's events.
BOND: I got my fill on the radio over from my flat. Dreadful business.

M: Indeed. The Empire has been attacked. We need your... singular talents.

(snaps a button; a picture slides up revealing a COMPUTER MONITOR, upon which is displayed SURVEILLANCE SNAPSHOTS of Al Qaeda terrorists)
They call themselves "The Secret Al Qaeda Organization of Europe." They are dedicated to killing as many British civilians as possible. Tanner has been liasing with MI-5; he can provide you with a full breifing.
I want you to find them, 007. I want you to pick up their scent, hunt them down, infiltrate them.... Your mission, 007, is to find out--
BOND: If SPECTRE's behind them?

M: -- "Why do they hate us?"
BOND: (blinks silently) What?

M: It's of the most vital urgency that we understand why they hate us.
BOND: Well... okay, I suppose. Get inside your enemy's head. I see. As Sun Tzu said: To destroy your enemy, you must think as he does.

M: Who said anything about "destroying" anyone? What kind of loose talk is that?
BOND: Well, I just sort of assumed...

M: Well for pity's sake don't. We're not that sort of organization, 007. We don't just run around like cowboys gunning down whatever black hats we've deemed villain.
BOND: Sure we do. It's pretty much all I've done for twenty five years.

M: Not anymore. We are dedicated to the proposition that all conflict is the result of misunderstanding, and that all misunderstandings are presumptively our fault. It is your mission to terminate those misunderstandings -- with extreme predjudice.
BOND: Ah. I see where you're going with this. When you say "misunderstandings," you mean terrorists.

M: No, I mean misunderstandings. I want you to communicate with them, honestly and openly. And a little grovelling wouldn't hurt.
BOND: I'm sorry, isn't there someone else you can get for this? 005's a reliable enough man, and I know he reads The Guardian.

M: 005 has been killed. He was captured in Syria two weeks ago and beheaded on Al Jazeera. I want you to bring his killers to justice.
BOND: And by justice, you mean...

M: The International Criminal Court at the Hague.
BOND: Umm, usually, see, I just sort of shoot them...

M: We'll have none of that talk of belligerent unilateralism on my watch.