Friday, August 19, 2005

CBS News turns to interns for help

No, not the way Bill Clinton turns to interns for help. Instead, CBS News has grown tired of lagging behind everybody else in evening news ratings, so they're looking to their interns for some fresh ideas. Story here.

Well, you'll be pleased to know that the Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service (CLOWNS) has planted a "mole" at CBS News. Our mole, who shall remain nameless so as not to jeopardize his/her/its mission, has presented the following list of ideas to CBS News President Andrew Heyward and CBS chief executive Les Moonves:

1. Remove Howard Dean from speed dial.

2. Remove Hillary Clinton from speed dial.

3. Try using genuine proof and not forgeries when doing investigative work...which brings me to #4, which is...

4. Do investigative work. Rummaging around for dirt on SCOTUS nominess' adopted children does not count...I don't care if the New York Times is doing it.

5. Interviewing five Democrats, one Vermont socialist, and John McCain does not qualify as "balance."

6. may have more members (about 2.5 million) than you have viewers, but that does not make them representative of America. A cursory glance at their lack of success anywhere will reveal this self-evident truth.

7. A pro-war mother who has lost a child in Iraq should get as much face time as an anti-war mother who has lost a child in Iraq.

8. It is perfectly acceptable to refer to Islamic terrorists as "terrorists." Americans will understand you.

9. If you insist on pointing out that a conservative person or organization is conservative, you must also insist on pointing out that a liberal person or organization is liberal. You and your brethren have failed to do so. This is part of that "balance" thing.

10. Finally, inject some personality into the reporting, so at least if you ignore everything else, you'll at least be bubbly when you lie and report in a biased manner!

No word back from our mole as to the reaction he/she/it received from CBS brass. If you have any suggestions, please pass them on so I can Morse Code them to our mole. Stay tuned!