Breaking news! I have figured out how to end the war on terror!

The kidnapped Fox News reporter and photographer have been released, and they are alive. How did they secure their release? Observe:

"We were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint," Centanni told Fox. "Don't get me wrong here. I have the highest respect for Islam, and I learned a lot of good things about it, but it was something we felt we had to do because they had the guns, and we didn't know what the hell was going on."

By Allah, that's it! All we infidels have to do is abandon our own religions (or lack of religions) and convert to Islam! Hell, bring the troops home right now from everywhere! No sense fighting with our new brothers, right?

Think about the benefits, my friends. I mean, aside from the obvious bennies, like the virgins (or plateful of grapes, depending on your interpretation). If we all become Muslims, then Al Qaeda isn't going to want us dead anymore! Hey, Israel, that goes for you, too. To heck with your religion...I mean, it's only served to paint a big target on your collective backs. Just by converting to Islam, the entire Middle East that has wanted you dead for six decades will immediately become your best buds! Ditch the yarmulkes, don the turbans, put your servile wenches in burqas...instant peace!

Our newly found Muslim brothers can help us with goons like Castro and Chavez, too. Piss us off too much, and we'll be sending our scimitar-toting decapitating Muslim mafia goons over to Cuba and Venezuela to take care of business, supreme Islam style! Are you listening, Kim Jong-Il?

Now if you folks will excuse me, I need to go procure a non-flushed Koran and get better acquainted with my new religion. I guess I won't be needing that Bible thingee. Sorry, Jesus, but Allah has my back (and my head) on this one. For my kind readers, feel free to comment...but if you tick me off, then you'd better convert, too, before I put your dome in a knapsack!

For those of you on the left, this entire post was sarcasm.