Friday, June 30, 2006

bin Laden's taped tribute to al-Zarqawi

The crack investigative team here at the Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service (aka CLOWNS) has obtained a tape, possibly the first draft of the one just released by OBL, whereby the terrorist mastermind lionizes the recently departed al-Zarqawi. Our Arabic translator (we'll call him "Earl") took a week of Arabic 101 at the local community college before dropping the class to enroll in a shorter class (Famous French Military Victories, I believe). Anywho, Earl's translation follows:

"Damn, Ahmed, did you see the crater left on that 'safehouse' that Abu was in? Just how Allah-damned 'safe' could that house have been? I gotta admit, the explosion was pretty f&#%ing cool though, wouldn't you say? (silence) Oh, we're rolling? OK...(clears throat)...

Good,, evening. Aw, hell, inside this cave, it's all the same to me: it's DARK! At any rate, we in the jihadisphere wish to pay our respects to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in his fight against the infidels.

Zarqi taught us a bunch of things. For starters, he taught me and those down here beside me that while it may be maddening to be cooped up in a cave with smelly Afghan goats and mujahideen and that wreak of leeks and couscous, it sure beats getting a half-ton storm of American bombs dropped on your dome! Perspective, people!

Another lesson that I learned from Zarqi is this: do NOT send Habib out for pizza, because he'll just get tailed by the infidels back to this cave. I mean, Zarqi had been on the run for a few years, but his craving for a kibbeh-and-hummus wrap was his downfall. That damned weird-beard at Ibrahaim's Snack Shack was a mole for the infidels, and if you can't trust the yum-yum guys not to turn on you, then you don't need the yum-yums! Note to self: take Omar's Martyrdom Pizza off of the satellite phone's speed dial.

Zarqi showed us the proper way to decapitate an innocent infidel...wait, that's an oxymoron, isn't it? Tee-hee! Anyway, you should wear something black and the soon-to-be Pez dispenser should wear something orange, so the blood shows up better on the film before we send it to Al Jazeera. I mean, AJ's editing isn't very good, so we want to make sure that for maximum effect, the gore is properly pixelized. (pauses) Is "pixelized" a word? Oh, right...still rolling! (clears throat again)

Zarqi demonstrated to us that in some circles of America, parents whose sons we have killed will not get mad at us, but at the infidel Bush. You Americans have some nerve, though! Zarqi cuts off that Berg kid's head, shows the finished product to his father, the old man absolves Zarqi and blames Bush...and you people call us depraved? Although I must admit, this Sheehan woman is sooooo in need of a burqa! I saw her on with that Chris Matthews guy (is he funny, or what?), for what I believe it was the 9,435th interview, and Holy Motherless Goat...that's one loony (and unsightly) broad!

Finally, Zarqi showed us in the jihadisphere that if we can just hold off long enough, the New York Times will let us know what the enemy is up to. I've already let Ayman know that the Western Union transfer to Ahmad and Yousef scheduled on the Americans' Independence Day is a no-go. Thank you, Bill Keller...though I still want your head on my cave mantle!

Ahmed is giving me the 'wrap it up' sign. He's so paranoid that he hears a cave rat fart and thinks that we're going to get a grenade shower! So, I'll throw him a bone and end this tape so we can send it to our buds at Al Jazeera. Toodles for now!"

Nicely done, "Earl." If that's not a job fit for CLOWNS, I don't know what is!