Friday, June 09, 2006

Transcript of al-Zarqawi's final moments (satire)

Hat tip to Manic Nole for forwarding this funny shizit to me. PLEASE read the entire thing, an excerpt of which follows:
Zarqawi : Ahmed! Salam aleichem. So good to see you. (kiss, kiss) How hangs the hammer?

Ahmed : Aleichem salam, Abu. The hammer hangs a little to the left. I bought these new underwear. You know how I hate sand in my crack.. I thought I would try briefs, but they really ride up, you know? It’s like they are crushing my goodies…

Zarqawi : It’s just an expression, Ahmed. I really don’t want to know about the hanging of your hammer.

Ahmed : So sorry. It’s just these briefs, they’re really getting me down…

Zarqawi : Never you mind all that. Is everyone here?

Ahmed : A few stragglers aside, we have the most important of the leadership of our blessed militia.

Zarqawi : Okey-dokey, let’s get his party started.

(entering main room)

(snip...forward in the transcripts)

Zarqawi : Thank you, Ahmed. Praise be to Allah, and go Gators! Please be seated… on the floor, as usual. First, let’s begin with the… where’s the snacks?


Zarqawi : Hey, where’s the ----ing snacks?! Who’s turn is it to bring snacks?!!

Malik : Oh, sorry. That would be me. Uhhhh, they’re out in the car. I go get.

Zarqawi : Move your ass, you son of a motherless goat. How are we supposed to run a rebellion with no yum-yums? You brought cheese doodles, yes?

Malik : Of course, Abu. Little Debbies, too. Many delicacies. You will see.

Zarqawi : Fine, fine, just get the snacks. Where was I? Oh yes. Let’s begin with the little matter of public image. Buti!

Buti : Yes?

Zarqawi : You run the camera for all the beheadings. Have you seen the last one?

Buti : Yes. What was wrong, the sound?

Zarqawi : No, no. The sound was good. Nice special effects with the saw. The problem is, uhhh, you know, angle or something.

Buti : Angle?

Zarqawi : Okay, here’s the thing. What am I, a fat bastard? I look like Dom Deluise up there. The camera is adding 15 pounds, easy. What the ----?

Buti : So sorry. I don’t know, maybe some editing. Stretch the picture or something.

Zarqawi : Whatever. Just make sure I don’t look like a … what the hell is keeping Malik with the snacks? You ask me for goodies, I’m back in two seconds.

(snip...forward in the transcripts)

Zarqawi : Whatever. Anyway… where was I?

Ahmed : Public image.

Zarqawi : Oh yes. Public image. That last beheading tape…

Buti : The one where you had a big ass?

Zarqawi : I don’t have a big ass! It was the angle, you camel-humper! Not that tape, the last one we released. I didn’t notice until I saw it on CNN, but there were some very disturbing things. Not sure who it was and not naming any names, but someone was smacking his gum and blowing bubbles. There was an unzipped fly and, I swear to Allah, someone was picking his nose through a hole in his mask.

(snip...forward in the transcripts)

Zarqawi: Right. Well, anyway, moving on… Qadif, where are we with the poll numbers?

Qadif: Oh, blessed leader, you will be so pleased. American resolve is fading faster than K-Fed’s hair.

Zarqawi: And our infidel collaborators?

Qadif: The New York times has been especially helpful. They are still using the word “quagmire” regularly and keep Haditha on the front page every day. They are dutifully blaming the car bombings and IEDs on the president. It is thing of beauty! CNN spends half their time driving down administration poll numbers and the other half harping on how low they are. Then there is the infidel Murtha. While I do not wish to downplay the great work done by infidels Kennedy and Kerry, Murtha has really gone out of his way to help break the will of the American people.

Zarqawi: Excellent!... what’s that smell?
Do yourself a favor and read the's hilarious! I hate to ruin the ending for you...but al-Zarqawi dies! LOL!