Daily humor

Hero cabbie tears tendon for kicking jihadist in the 'nads

If you're gonna injure yourself, it might as well be by kicking some camelhumping Islamonutbar terrorist in the sack. From the UK:

A HERO cabbie who took on the Glasgow Airport terror suspects told yesterday how he booted one of them in the privates.

Alex McIlveen, 45, kicked the man, whose body was in flames, so hard that he tore a tendon in his foot.

But he said last night: "He didn't even flinch. I couldn't believe he didn't go down.

"A doctor told me later I'd damaged a tendon in my foot."

The burned suspect was named last night as Khalid Ahmed, a Lebanese doctor.

He is critically ill with burns at the Royal Alexandra Hospital in Paisley, where he is believed to have worked.

Slight correction: Ahmed isn't critically ill with burns. He's critically ill with burns and a pair of cracked oysters, compliments of a Scottish cabbie. Without a functioning set of jewels, Ahmed, you won't be getting much mileage out of those 72 virgins, will you, @ssh0le?

"If your nae Scottish, ye are crrrrrrrrrrrap!"

Voinovich humiliates himself, then Sessions piles on

Sen. George Voinovich (RINO-OH), known for sobbing when his constituents bellyached at his objections to confirming John Bolton, embarrassed himself yesterday on Sean Hannity's radio show. The link to the audio is here, but in a nutshell, he didn't know what the Fairness Doctrine was and he was shamed into admitting that he didn't know what was in the amnesty bill (including various amendments). He wound up getting rude to Hannity and, shall we say, "prematurely ending the call"?

Afterwards, on the floor of the Senate, amnesty opponent Sen. Jeff Sessions (true R-AL) piled on the schmuck even further. Money quote:

“Radio talk show hosts know more about this bill than most Senators, if you want to know the truth.”

Not naming names, of course! :-D

Sessions is right, though. So many Senators have been bought off by business interests that they don't need to know what's in the bill...they just need to vote for it.

"Ex-Marine teaches pickpocket a lesson"

Naturally, the AP gets the headline wrong. There are very few "ex-Marines" (James Carville and John Murtha as exceptions). Once a Marine, always a Marine. Anywho, from the AP:

Bill Barnes says he was scratching off a losing $2 lottery ticket inside a gas station when he felt a hand slip into his front-left pants pocket, where he had $300 in cash.

He immediately grabbed the person's wrist with his left hand and started throwing punches with his right, landing six or seven blows before a store manager intervened.

"I guess he thought I was an easy mark," Barnes, 72, told The Grand Rapids Press for a story Tuesday.

He's anything but an easy mark: Barnes served in the Marines, was an accomplished Golden Gloves boxer and retired after 20 years as an iron worker.

Jesse Daniel Rae, the 27-year-old Newaygo County man accused of trying to pick Barnes' pocket, was arraigned Monday in Rockford District Court on one count of unarmed robbery, a 15-year felony.

Barnes said he had just withdrawn the money from a bank machine and put it in the pocket of his shorts before driving to the Marathon service station and Next Door Food Store in Comstock Park, a Grand Rapids suburb.

He remembers noticing a patron acting suspiciously, asking the price of different brands of cigarettes and other items. While turned away, Barnes felt the hand in his pocket, so he took action.

"I guess I acted on instinct," he said.

Kent County sheriff's deputies said the store manager quickly came around the counter. The three of them struggled through the front door, where two witnesses said the manager slammed Rae to the ground and held him there.

"There was blood everywhere," said another manager on duty, Abby Ostrom, 25.

Barnes was a regional runner-up in Golden Gloves competition in the novice and open divisions before enlisting in the Marines in 1956.

He lived most of his adult life in Comstock Park with his wife, Patricia, before recently moving to Ottawa County. The couple have three children.

After retiring as an iron worker, he now works part-time as a starter at a golf course.

Barnes said he'd probably do the same thing again under the same circumstances, if for no other reason than what he would face back home.

"I wouldn't want my wife to give me hell for lettin' that guy get my money," he said with a smile.

Wait until the guys in the joint find out that Rae got his #ss kicked by a 72-year-old. He'll be somebody's b#tch by the end of his first week!

Double dose of Dilbert

Non-political (and just plain surreal) post of the day

Via Hot Air:

Somewhere Christopher Hitchens pours himself another scotch and chortles sinisterly. Taste the cold steel of Sister Domenica’s blade:

TWO PEOPLE were injured and another two were arrested after scuffles broke out between two rival factions of nuns residing in an Old Calendarist convent in Avdellero late last night.

Nuns and priests from both sides confronted each other after unrest broke out at around 10pm.

The church was covered with blood as nuns and priests from both sides attacked each other using sharp objects...

It has been reported that the convent is segregated, with Archimandrite Sevastianos’ followers occupying certain buildings and the resident nuns staying in others. At nightfall, Sevastianos and his nuns barricade themselves inside the chapel, as a precaution, with friends and relatives of the two groups taking turns at patrolling the premises.

Fortunately, one of our voyeurs "investigative journalists" (we'll call him "Louie") from the Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service (aka CLOWNS) was on vacation in Cyprus and claimed to have transcribed the following conversation:

Sister Mary-Katherine: Yo, yo, yo...this is our turf, Sevastianos Crips!

Sister Ruth Hosanna: Don't think so, bee-yotch! Get to steppin', or my peeps will get medieval on your...

Sister Delilah: That's it, Ruthdawg! I'm poppin' a cap in your...uh...well, we don't have guns here, so I'll use this letter opener instead. 'You down with G-O-D? Yeah, you know me!'

Sister Sheneequa: Oh no, you dih-unt! It's on, Mutha Penguin!

Sister Delilah: Who you callin' a 'penguin', you nappy headed...

At this point, the violence and bloodshed began, so Louie bolted for his safety. And of course, I believe Louie's version of events, especially since he said the transcribed document was cleared by Dan Rather...so you just know it's authentic!

All over the world, CLOWNS getting the news to you... :-)

Headline of the day, part II

This one actually is a headline, from FNC: "Iowa Woman Named Butts Charged With Theft of Court's Toilet Paper". Details:

Police blame a woman named Butts for stealing toilet paper from an Iowa courthouse, and while they are chuckling, the theft charge could land her in jail.

"She's facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper," Chief Lon Walker said, stifling a laugh as he talked to KCCI-TV about Suzanne Marie Butts.

Workers at the Marshall County Courthouse had noticed toilet paper rolls were disappearing much faster than usual, Walker said.

Butts, 38, was caught last week after an employee saw her taking three rolls of two-ply tissue from a storage closet, Walker said.

Butts insisted it was the first time she had pilfered toilet paper, but she declined to answer further questions on her attorney's advice.

The fifth-degree theft charge, a misdemeanor, normally carries a sentence of less than a year in jail. But Butts could face more time if convicted under the state's habitual offender law because she has prior theft convictions.

Walker said Butts did not work at the courthouse and it was unclear why she was there.

Thanks to Kanaka Girl for the tip.

Photo of the day

Her Highness might want to get a corporate spellchecker, because Dan Quayle may have had his dirty little fingerprints all over this one:

Who is Tom Morrow?

Weird/funny headlines

As James Taranto deadpans: "What would we do without experts?" Headline and sub-headline from Seattlestan: "Some Nations Tried Gun Control After Killings: Lesson for U.S.? Experts say it depends"

Headline from Nebraska: "Arrest Made in Connection With Lincoln Slaying" John Wilkes Booth must be in awesome shape for man his age!

How about this headline? "Joint maker to star on Discovery Channel". College students and anti-war miscreants, pay homage!

"The High Cost of Easily Accessible Beans"

Van Helsing at Moonbattery nails this one out of the park.

It is common knowledge that beans cause the dreadful phenomenon known as flatulence, a major contributor to the global warming that will soon embroil us all in a sweaty apocalypse. Nonetheless, beans are readily available to anyone who wants to purchase them, despite the absence of explicit Constitutional protection as we have for firearms. So far as I know, beans are not even regulated.

Now we see the consequences:
...
The picture is of movie star Hugh Grant, assaulting a photographer with a tub of baked beans. Grant was subsequently arrested.

It's time for us to ask ourselves: would this incident have occurred if beans were subject to prudent federal regulation?

They can have my black beans when they pry the can from my cold, dead fingers! :-D

Cartoon of the day

From Creators Syndicate:

Pelosi, Feingold, Murtha, and Reid doing their part to "support the troops"!

Storm front's damage

Floods in New York and New Jersey. Winds are beating down D.C. Snow, winds, tornados...everywhere. Record cold temperatures here in Florida.

You know what caused this mess, don't you? No, it wasn't a Nor'easter. It was Chimpy McHitlerburton'$ evil Rovian anti-Kyoto global "warming" machine! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Speaking of which, some global "warming" Chicken Littles braved freezing cold temperatures (and obvious undermining irony) to alert the world to how serious global "warming" really is. Other activists, however, pansied out and opted not to freeze in the "feverish" elements.

Irony...it's not just for breakfast anymore!

Quote of the day

Thanks to Opinionnation for alerting me to this. Via Hot Air:

Jay Leno: Well, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards as well as a number of other Democratic candidates say they will not participate in a presidential debate next month because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. Well, how are you going to stand up to terrorists when you’re afraid of Fox News? [audience laughter]

Nicely done, Jay!

Lessons in capitalism

From Neal Boortz's site:

Yearly Kos convention?

Hat tip to Sondra K for this awesome photo!

The Kos krazies eanjoy their annual kook-athon

Politically incorrect headline

From Tallahassee: "Deaf plan silent protest at Capitol"

As Texas Rainmaker notes, "Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves!"

Joke of the day

Thanks to Kanaka Girl for passing this on to me. Indulge me if you've seen this before.

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp witted studentturned in the following book Report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was required. His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

TITANIC: $29.99
CLINTON: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically, the same thing.

A new form of torture?

From Cox and Forkum:

"Carbon" offsets? Pfft...

How about something more useful and fun (and just as logical) as carbon offsets? Courtesy of Hot Air:

It’s the only socially conscious way to properly compensate for your, um, emissions.

I’m almost afraid to ask, but ask I shall: what would be the anatomical equivalent here of one’s “carbon footprint”?

At Cheatneutral, we believe that we should all try to reduce the amount we cheat on our partners, but we also realise that fidelity isn’t always possible.

That’s why we help you neutralise your cheating. Your actions are offset by a global network of fidelity, developed by us. By paying Cheatneutral, you’re funding monogamy-boosting offset projects - we simply invest the money you give us in monogamous, faithful or just plain single people, to encourage them to stay that way.

There’s a place where singles can sign up to be a “project,” too.

Yes, it's a parody site, but it does a phenomenal job of illustrating the absurdity of the enviroweenies' "carbon offsets" argument.

"I'm not just the president of Cheatneutral, but I'm also a client!"

CAIR: just like you and me

Blatantly stolen...er, "borrowed for evaluation purposes only"...from Jenn at Screw Liberals: